Mum needed new medicine again. But there wasn't any money left in savings. I've told her I can quit school and get a job, but she insists I focus on school. Education is key, she says. I work late night shifts at the diner though. When she's asleep. But it doesn't pay much, and the money I get has to go to food and to help pay the bills. Nan sells paintings the she makes. But she's no famous artist. It's mostly just scraps all we have. But we have each other... for now. And nothing can stop me from cherishing the time we have left.
I don't know what I will do when I finish school. Where to go. But I'm getting out of here...
But yeah. Mum's medicine. It costs a fortune. A fortune we don't have. So what else could I do? It's my mother! I... I may have stolen a Lady's purse. And pickpocketed a man outside the grocery store. I'm not proud of it. But... I really needed the money for the meds. Although. That wasn't the worst bit... I kind of enjoyed enjoyed. It gave a rush of adrenaline. It was exciting to get away with it. And it felt only fair. We had almost nothing, they had almost everything. That's definitely unfair.
Well. The money wasn't enough for the meds. I guess I thought if I could get away with some minor pickpocketing, I could get away with anything. Besides, my wings would protect me. I made a mistake.
I went back home, did some excavating among my, and mum's, clothes. And I made a costume, to hide my identity. Took nan's old revolver, and went to the grocery store. The girl behind the counter gave me the money, and looked straight into my eyes... And that's when I realised what I had done. What I had become. What was wrong with me? Just... I didn't know what to do. I needed the money. When I got out of the store, I heard sirens coming my way. I rushed to the back, and ran. I just kept running. Fuck. I was so scared, so...
So very scared.
And I regret everything. But I had to do it.
I got away, but...
Please.
Forgive me.
Friday 1 December 2017
Hi.
My name is Nathan, and I am not an angel.
I don't consider myself to be either good, nor bad - but I try to do what I can to make this world a better place. I help those who need help, when I can. Oh. And I have wings. Yep. Large, brown, wings. I didn't always have wings. Now I do. They... don't always do what I want, but they've protected me many times before. I'm not sure how they work, or why I have them... but I do have them. I also have this gift - I can heal people, and relieve pain. But, it comes with a price. And I can't heal everyone... Not if they're terminally ill. Like mom. She tries to be strong - tries to take care of me. But with... with her cancer, she's very weak. She tries to tell me it's alright though. That life will go on, even when she's gone. But she's my mom. And I don't want her to go...
Nan tells me that she's going to a better place. A better life. I want to believe that. So so bad. But, we've never been a very religious family. And I'm not sure Nan is talking about any Christian places either. She's very... peculiar. Wise and stubborn as a rock, though. And honest. She always says what you need to hear, and doesn't take 'buts' for shit. She says she respects nature's cycle, and that mom's death is part of some grand design. But she mourns too. She hides it, of course. But I've seen her roll into mom's room with her wheelchair, looking at her, and comforting her. I know she's worried about me too. That I'll take mom's death too hard. And maybe I will, but I'll survive it. She wishes that my father was still around. I never knew him. He left before I was born, but Nan says that he was a good man. Hard to believe though...
I grew up in Manhattan - with my mother. Nan lived next door. We were never rich, and our flat is cramped and old. But we make due. I used to swim in the local swim team, but ever since the wings appeared... They don't let me swim alone, so I had to quit. So now I'm mostly scaling tha buildings around our block. I used to be afraid of heights, but now I know that if I fall, my wings would save me. I'm grateful, but sometimes it gets in the way. I'm lucky to not have any friends. Imagine having to explain something like that to anybody... Nan knows, somehow. It's like she can see things happening before they do, it's amazing. I guess experience is a valuable asset. Anyway. Life's not been easy, especially not lately. But that's okay. We all have our down times, and we call all pull ourself up from them if we fight hard enough. So accept your current situation, and learn how to move on. I have to.
I think I was thirteen when they first appeared. I think that was the first time. I was running around the block, like I always do when times are tough. It's comforting, jogging along the streets of this concrete jungle in the dark. You're alonge, and no one can touch your pain. No one but you. Mom and Nan had just gotten back from the hospital, and...
Life is unfair, you know. Some of the meanest people out there has the best life can offer. They can afford anything they want. A new car, a big house, expensive wine... hospital bills. They're free. And then there's the little people. We who can barely pay the rent. We who have to eat beans and chicken noodle soup. We who can't afford the hospital bills.
I could see it in their eyes when I opened the door. They just stood there, in the choridor, looking at me. Like they'd seen a ghost, and I knew. Somehow I know. I could feel it. I saw it in their eyes. They got the news no one wants. Nan helped mom into her room and tucked her in her bed. I was waiting outside, I didn't know what to do. Then she came out and closed the door, guiding me to the chair in the kitchen. "Your mommy", she said. And I could feel my chest aching. As if it was deep under water, the pressure stopping me from breathing, my heart trying to punch its way out of my chest...
"Your mommy loves you very much, little angel" she continued. "And she'll allways be in here" she said, ticking a finger at my pounding chest. I could feel my eyes watering up, blurring my vision. "But she's very tired.". Nan really tried to make it sound as though it was nothing to worry about. "And she will soon have to sleep. And she might not wake up" she continued. "I know that you want her to be well, and happy. I do too! But don't worry, in her sleep she will go to better place - and dine among the gods!". It didn't matter how nice she made it sound. I couldn't speak, I knew that if I did, I would break. My cheeks were wet from tears, and my mouth was completely dry. Nan took my hands, held them tight and smiled. But I could see the tears in her eyes too. No parent should outlive their children... Just like no child should be left without a parent. I knew I couldn't save her. I would've tried, but... something told me there was no point in trying. So I could only try and smile back.
She knew I wouldn't speak, so she let go of my hands and went to check on mom.
